Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Frustration: The Real Life of a Foster Parent


Frustrated….Again!

Having just returned from, perhaps, my 11th court appearance regarding Emma and her siblings, who have been wards of the state for over two years, I feel like I just got punched in the gut…again!  I was chewing on the drive home about what it is that has been so frustrating, and I discovered that the frustrations that I have felt as a foster mother has existed at a level that I had never before experienced.  It is frustration x 100!  I began pondering what it is that has been so frustrating for me, and there are many ideas that came to mind. 

First, it is so frustrating to reach out and attempt to do something that is going to make a difference in the life of children, only for others…social work agency, social workers, supervisors, director, biological parent, to look at you and treat you as if you are their enemy.  To be treated with such anger, animosity, rudeness, and confrontation is unbelievably frustrating. 

It is also frustrating to open our home and our family and have people come in who trounce on our boundaries, disrespect us, and criticize how I do black hair, how I buy the wrong diapers, how I have the baby’s room set up, how I live my life, how I don’t do this right and I don’t do that.  It is a complete intrusion!  This entire experience has been unbelievably intrusive!

It is also frustrating to advocate for a child where there existed so many unwritten rules and codes of which I was to abide.  I wasn’t supposed to advocate for a child.  I was supposed to know my place and be a paid babysitter, who wouldn’t have an opinion, certainly no judgment, and jump when they told me to.  Those who know me will understand that I cannot function in this manner.  I did the opposite, and I challenged many attitudes, lies I caught people in, and addressed issues that were not right.

It is also frustrating at a level that I cannot fully articulate to care for a special needs child, who needs five therapy services per week, who has gone to countless specialists, had countless tests, and they cannot heal her!  It cannot change the brain damage that she has.  It cannot make her suddenly start chewing food, or hold her own bottle, or crawl, speak, or move.  It cannot help her.  I have done all that I can in this natural realm, yet I, nor anyone else, can make her better. 

It is also painful and frustrating to see how Emma is judged simply because of the color of her skin.  I have seen the looks of disapproval, the smiles that stop when they look at her, the judgments, and it makes me very frustrated.

It is frustrating to hear all of the people tell me what a good job I (we) have done with her, and how blessed she is to have us.  I was told by her attorney today after court, as she had tears in her eyes, how much she admired all of the care we have given to her.  I contemplated this on the way home, and I wonder why she and others say these things.  What they cannot understand is that we feel like utter failures!  We have failed this child in innumerable ways.  She has been failed beginning with her conception.  Her parents failed her, her mother failed her as she carried her, DCFS failed her, her attorneys, the courts have failed her, the doctors, the specialists, her community, her church, her world.  We have all failed her.  We cannot change the circumstance of her life, those she was born into, and those of which she continues to live.   She is like every child who is born, she has a right to a life filled with love, health, freedom, and belonging.  None of us can change the damage that has been done. 

I am also deeply frustrated by the selfishness of people.  I am amazed at the depths of selfishness that we, as human beings, are capable of.  It is difficult for me to wrap my mind around how a child becomes a possession.  Circulating around all of this is a dangerous and debilitating toxin called entitlement.  Entitlement may have many connotations, and it is not race related, but rather, it is selfish related.  It is a mindset that individuals have that tells them that they can get what they want when they want it, and they will go to any length to get it.  They believe that they deserve things.   This mentality keeps people from fulfilling their potential, because they have been taught that they don’t have to work for anything, that someone is going to bail them out when/if they come to the end of their rope.  In turn, they get accustomed to keeping their hand out, and this becomes a vicious cycle.  With this also comes an inability to deal with the consequences that accompany their behavior. The other side of this is to give those who need a hand up, which they can then use to better themselves and their world.  I realize that sometimes, people need help, and we are to help those in need.  There are so many layers to this, so I will just leave it at this.

As I went to court today, I went in with an expectation, which I don’t know why I still have them, because each time I have gone to court, nothing has ever gone according to the expectations that I had.   I have learned that this is a major problem with our courts and foster care system….there is not an expectation or standard that people are held to.  I was told by the biological mother in mid-July, as she also did in April, that today she was going to surrender her rights to Emma.  We got to court, and she did not.  She wouldn’t look at me.  She and her husband gave me the all too familiar cold and hard look away when I was trying to engage them.  I knew then that something was up. 

I could write a book about the lack of accountability that the courts offer to people who get more chances than anyone else to break the law and not follow the courts and state’s rules, but honestly, this alone is so exhausting  and causes such intense, internal frustration, that I just don’t want to open that can right now.

Court proceeded as usual, and when the judge said that the goal was still return home, even 21 months later, I became angry inside.  After court recessed, I spoke to the caseworker, and then I talked to the state’s attorney, and I was raising my voice, because I was/am fed up!  We have walked this road for 21 long months, and we thought for sure, as in mid-July, that today was the day-the day that we would move to the next phase of this whole, entire, rotten experience; it didn’t happen.  My mouth has never opened in court for the prior 10 court hearings, but I could no longer keep it in.  As I was sharing, the biological mother pulled me aside and said that she doesn’t want to be terminated, and she is surrendering in September.  She has to either surrender, or a motion will be made to terminate her.  Even knowing this, the deep, intense frustration that I feel is still there.  This whole experience is like a bad dream that one can never wake up from; one that causes terrible fear, panic, anger, frustration and grief!

I cannot imagine that we will ever be free from the constraints that go along with being foster parents.  I cannot describe my longings to have this experience over! 

So, as we have along, we will take one day at a time, and continue praying for God’s wisdom, peace, and self-control, as well as that his will would be done, and that we would learn the lessons that he is trying to teach us

No comments:

Post a Comment