Frustrated….Again!
Having just
returned from, perhaps, my 11th court appearance regarding Emma and
her siblings, who have been wards of the state for over two years, I feel like
I just got punched in the gut…again! I
was chewing on the drive home about what it is that has been so frustrating, and
I discovered that the frustrations that I have felt as a foster mother has
existed at a level that I had never before experienced. It is frustration x 100! I began pondering what it is that has been so
frustrating for me, and there are many ideas that came to mind.
First, it is
so frustrating to reach out and attempt to do something that is going to make a
difference in the life of children, only for others…social work agency, social
workers, supervisors, director, biological parent, to look at you and treat you
as if you are their enemy. To be treated
with such anger, animosity, rudeness, and confrontation is unbelievably
frustrating.
It is also
frustrating to open our home and our family and have people come in who trounce
on our boundaries, disrespect us, and criticize how I do black hair, how I buy
the wrong diapers, how I have the baby’s room set up, how I live my life, how I
don’t do this right and I don’t do that.
It is a complete intrusion! This
entire experience has been unbelievably intrusive!
It is also
frustrating to advocate for a child where there existed so many unwritten rules
and codes of which I was to abide. I
wasn’t supposed to advocate for a child.
I was supposed to know my place and be a paid babysitter, who wouldn’t
have an opinion, certainly no judgment, and jump when they told me to. Those who know me will understand that I
cannot function in this manner. I did
the opposite, and I challenged many attitudes, lies I caught people in, and
addressed issues that were not right.
It is also
frustrating at a level that I cannot fully articulate to care for a special
needs child, who needs five therapy services per week, who has gone to
countless specialists, had countless tests, and they cannot heal her! It cannot change the brain damage that she
has. It cannot make her suddenly start
chewing food, or hold her own bottle, or crawl, speak, or move. It cannot help her. I have done all that I can in this natural
realm, yet I, nor anyone else, can make her better.
It is also
painful and frustrating to see how Emma is judged simply because of the color of
her skin. I have seen the looks of
disapproval, the smiles that stop when they look at her, the judgments, and it
makes me very frustrated.
It is
frustrating to hear all of the people tell me what a good job I (we) have done
with her, and how blessed she is to have us.
I was told by her attorney today after court, as she had tears in her
eyes, how much she admired all of the care we have given to her. I contemplated this on the way home, and I
wonder why she and others say these things. What they cannot understand is that we feel
like utter failures! We have failed this
child in innumerable ways. She has been
failed beginning with her conception.
Her parents failed her, her mother failed her as she carried her, DCFS
failed her, her attorneys, the courts have failed her, the doctors, the
specialists, her community, her church, her world. We have all failed her. We cannot change the circumstance of her
life, those she was born into, and those of which she continues to live. She is like every child who is born, she has
a right to a life filled with love, health, freedom, and belonging. None of us can change the damage that has been
done.
I am also
deeply frustrated by the selfishness of people.
I am amazed at the depths of selfishness that we, as human beings, are capable
of. It is difficult for me to wrap my
mind around how a child becomes a possession.
Circulating around all of this is a dangerous and debilitating toxin
called entitlement. Entitlement may have
many connotations, and it is not race related, but rather, it is selfish
related. It is a mindset that
individuals have that tells them that they can get what they want when they
want it, and they will go to any length to get it. They believe that they deserve things. This
mentality keeps people from fulfilling their potential, because they have been
taught that they don’t have to work for anything, that someone is going to bail
them out when/if they come to the end of their rope. In turn, they get accustomed to keeping their
hand out, and this becomes a vicious cycle.
With this also comes an inability to deal with the consequences that
accompany their behavior. The other side of this is to give those who need a
hand up, which they can then use to better themselves and their world. I realize that sometimes, people need help,
and we are to help those in need. There
are so many layers to this, so I will just leave it at this.
As I went to
court today, I went in with an expectation, which I don’t know why I still have
them, because each time I have gone to court, nothing has ever gone according
to the expectations that I had. I have
learned that this is a major problem with our courts and foster care system….there
is not an expectation or standard that people are held to. I was told by the biological mother in
mid-July, as she also did in April, that today she was going to surrender her
rights to Emma. We got to court, and she
did not. She wouldn’t look at me. She and her husband gave me the all too
familiar cold and hard look away when I was trying to engage them. I knew then that something was up.
I could
write a book about the lack of accountability that the courts offer to people
who get more chances than anyone else to break the law and not follow the
courts and state’s rules, but honestly, this alone is so exhausting and causes such intense, internal
frustration, that I just don’t want to open that can right now.
Court
proceeded as usual, and when the judge said that the goal was still return
home, even 21 months later, I became angry inside. After court recessed, I spoke to the
caseworker, and then I talked to the state’s attorney, and I was raising my
voice, because I was/am fed up! We have
walked this road for 21 long months, and we thought for sure, as in mid-July,
that today was the day-the day that we would move to the next phase of this
whole, entire, rotten experience; it didn’t happen. My mouth has never opened in court for the prior
10 court hearings, but I could no longer keep it in. As I was sharing, the biological mother pulled
me aside and said that she doesn’t want to be terminated, and she is
surrendering in September. She has to
either surrender, or a motion will be made to terminate her. Even knowing this, the deep, intense frustration
that I feel is still there. This whole
experience is like a bad dream that one can never wake up from; one that causes
terrible fear, panic, anger, frustration and grief!
I cannot
imagine that we will ever be free from the constraints that go along with being
foster parents. I cannot describe my
longings to have this experience over!
So, as we
have along, we will take one day at a time, and continue praying for God’s
wisdom, peace, and self-control, as well as that his will would be done, and
that we would learn the lessons that he is trying to teach us
