"April 10, 2013
Journal to self:
So, it is 10:30 a.m., and it is Wednesday, April 10, 2013. About 15 minutes ago, I was sitting here at
the dining room table working on a math assignment for an online math class I
am taking, when a thought came to my mind about praying for Emma’s mother to
give up her rights to her. I got up from
the table, and I started praying that God would immediately cause something to
happen, and that he would use that to put thoughts in her head to give Emma
up---and a realization that she cannot take care of her, and that she is better
off with us, and that she cannot give her the kind of life that she needs, and
that she would be able to get beyond our race and her ill feelings towards us
for having her child to see Emma, and what she needs. So, I got on my knees and prayed a simple
prayer that God would cause something to happen , and then he would put those
thoughts of giving her up in her mind. I
cannot explain this feeling inside of me—it is like a release of the strangest
sort. It is like peace without having
any idea of what will happen. So, I
continue to sit here and pray, and I cannot focus on what I am doing. I was drawn, again, to the verse in Exodus
last night, after feeling down from court appearance #5 and the results that
the mother and step-dad could have unsupervised visitation rights, and seeing
some disturbing behavior from them in the elevator after court. Exodus says, “The Lord will fight for you,
you need only to be still.” As I was
sitting here, I prayed this again, and I said, “Lord, your word says that you
will fight for us, that we need only to be still, and I thank you for fighting
for us and for Emma.” I also said,
“Lord, is anything too hard for you?” I
spoke this out three times, and then I said, “No, nothing is too hard/difficult
for you.” I started praying fervently in
the spirit, as I have hundreds of times since Emma came into our family. I starting praying the song that was in my
heart all day yesterday, and of which I sang all throughout the day, “You are
the everlasting God, the everlasting God, you do not faint you won’t grow
weary, you’re the defender of the WEAK, you comfort those in need, you lift us up on wings like eag.es.” I said, “Lord, I thank you that you are the
answer, and I pray for your glory to be revealed, and for our children, and us
to see your power at work. You see that
I was just talking with my kids last night about God still being mighty and
powerful today and that hasn’t changed.”
When I drove home yesterday after court, I passed a church on Curtis
Road in Champaign that said, “Miracles happen.”
I made some comment yesterday about us needing that. I was reminded of this again after I finished
talking with the Lord, and I said, “Miracles happen, like that church sign, and
we need a miracle here.” So, I wanted to
record these words, prayers, and thoughts of mine, and leave them here and
watch and see what our great big God will do."
April 22, 2014: What have I learned from this? It is important to follow that still small voice inside, and it is also important to remember that God's timing is perfect, and that he doesn't follow our time table. I had no idea that I would be praying this same prayer for an entire year! I am thankful that God heard my prayers, and that I was obedient to pray what he spoke to my heart to pray. There are so many blogs I can still write based on this experience, and I will leave those to another day. The feelings I am experiencing today vary greatly from excited to terrified. Some feelings are also raw, and overall, this seems very surreal.
